I've been uncertain for two weeks.
Not knowing for sure.
Thinking it was one thing.
Disappointed that it may not be as benign as I originally hoped.
I wanted to be that crazy, lunatic mother.
The one dragging her kid in to the doctor, demanding bloodwork, for a mosquito bite, or a cat scratch, or an infected cut.
"I'm sure it's just an infection. The antibiotics should work." the doctor reassured.
Two different ones. Just to be certain.
Instead it grew.
"I'm confused," he admitted. "You need to see a surgeon."
Still not panicked.
But, still assuming that I was that mother.
Being too careful while I imagined the nurses poked fun as I walked out of the office.
"We've got three options. We can wait three months and see what happens. We can put him to sleep and remove it. Or we can do a needle biopsy, and still need to remove it if the results are not clear."
The choice was easy.
A mother cannot wait an eternity- and three months seemed like forever.
Removing it right away seemed a little too extreme, even for that mother.
So, he had an extremely painful needle biopsy.
I waited in that exam room for results fully expecting to hear confirmation of what I'd suspected all along.
I'm that mother.
When he walked in, I knew immediately that I was wrong.
Apparently, pathology cannot confirm nor deny certain "very worrisome" possibilities.
The report I hold in my hand scares me.
Trying not to over-react or fall apart.
"Hang on to Hope. Everyone's just being extra careful," I tell myself.
His words shocked me, "It has to come out. When can you do it?"
And here we are.
Faced with the possibility that I still might be that mother.
Hoping that I am.
But, knowing that God may have something in store for our lives that we do not wish for.
I'm scared and I've cried.
Not because I don't trust God.
I have nothing else to hold on to- and I'm hanging on for life!
But I know that sometimes He asks us to go places we don't want to go.
Nonetheless, I trust that my Father loves me.
I trust that He wants for me the same things I want for my own children.
So where ever this road leads, I go with Him.
I'm just praying that we go down a less scary road than the one we might be faced with.
Please pray with me.
"In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall. God's way is perfect. All the Lord's promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection." Psalm 18:29-30