Oh, the joys of homeschooling. Today was library day. I love library day. Especially when I can also check out books. A good friend of mine offered to keep Aubree today so we could go to the library. Yay! I was able to check out 7 books of my own- I have already read one in its entirety. ("I Just Want You to Know" by Kate Gosselin) I've also checked out "Cosbyology" by Bill Cosby, "Rock This" by Chris Rock (don't ask), "Silent Witness" (The Untold Story of Terri Schiavo's Death) by Mark Fuhrman, "Gianna" (Aborted and Lived to Tell About It) by Jessica Shaver, "Madea's Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life" (there you go judging me again) by Tyler Perry, and probably the one I am most interested in reading next "I'm not Mad, I just Hate you!" (A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict) by Roni Choen-Sandler, PhD.
Please don't get me wrong. Karli and I don't have a "war" going on. She just has "tween" attitude. I feel so unprepared to deal with this in a healthy manner- like I'm driving blind. So, I want to do my research on how to discipline without guilt and self-doubt. I am always trying to learn ways to relate to and interact with my children that will not have them lying on some strangers couch at 25 years old confessing how "their mother screwed them up". (Maybe a little dramatic, but a fear of mine nonetheless.) I say that I am unprepared because my relationship with my own mother leaves me desiring more from my relationship with my daughters (and sons, too). It's not that we have a terrible relationship, my mother and I. It's just not exactly what I hope to have with my own girls. There are things that I would want from my mother that she is unable (or unwilling, or whatever the case may be) to give.
I want my kids to know, beyond any shadow of doubt, that they are my number one priority in life. I want everything for them that they cannot even dream for themselves. I want them to be more than I am. Better than me. This is a difficult time for me because I don't want Karli (or any of the kids, but I am dealing with these issues with her right now) to grow up with resentment towards me because of something I've done or didn't do. I hate having to discipline them. I know I have to because God tells me so. He has trusted me to guide them. I just pray that I am doing right by Him and them. I don't want to be too overbearing, but I also don't want to make the mistake of not enough "guidance" and "enforcement". I want her to know that I hear her voice. That I understand where she is right now. I, too, at her age did not understand the purpose of "rules". I thought it was just my parents being mean. I wish I could get her to know in her heart of hearts that there are so many things she doesn't know right now with her limited experience and time on this earth, and I can see a bigger picture and have more wisdom than she does. I wish she would just close her eyes and trust me in complete surrender. You know, the way God wants us to surrender our will to Him, because He is so much more wise than we are. He is all-knowing. He has a bigger desire for us than we have for ourselves. He loves us completely and perfectly in way we cannot even comprehend.
It is a slippery slope and I am getting bumped and bruised along the way. I don't KNOW all of the answers. I am simply doing the best I know how. When she is hurting it hurts my heart. Remember when you were a kid and your parents would say "this is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you"? I used to say to myself "Yeah right. That sounds good, but it just cannot be true." Well, I get it, now. Is God hurting because I am not able (or willing or whatever the case may be) to give Him more? Does my disobedience hurt Him more than it hurts me?
So, I am gonna buckle in for the long haul. I am gonna seek God's guidance. I am gonna pray like never before. I am gonna ask for advice from my girlfriends who have traveled this road before me and lived to tell about it, and ended up with a daughter who has become her goodest friend to boot! I'm probably gonna blog about it some more. I am gonna read what I can from the so called "experts". I am gonna love my kids like crazy and hurt when they hurt and try to make it better. I am gonna take this journey day by day, hour by hour if I have to. And in the end, I hope my kids cherish everything I have done for them and know that it has all been done in love. After all, I have some really wonderful kids. They are so precious and beautiful and awesome. I love them beyond comprehension. And I want to learn how to be the best Mommy that I can possibly be- for them!
The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple.