I love my kids. I love my job. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be nothing more than somebody's wife and somebody's Mommy. (I know- I'm ambitious.) But, I believe from the depths of my soul that God's purpose for my main vocation in life is to be nothing more and nothing less. I revere it as a High Calling.
Just because I have the blessing and extreme privilege to be living my dream, it does not mean that I always do my job well, nor does it mean that I never
I hate that my kids anticipate certain situations with dread. I hate knowing that they would prefer to be with Daddy at times than with me. I hate that my voice becomes like that of Charlie Brown's teacher~ "Whamp whamp whamp Whamp whamp". They simply tune me out a lot of the time. They produce an attitude of "Oh, Mom's just blowing off steam again." And that starts the whole, vicious cycle all over again!
Am I the only one responsible for this? NOPE. I refuse to take all of the blame. I know that I am not perfect. I am admittedly often less than patient and gentle. Many times I do take out my exhaustion on those innocent little souls. But, those same precious,
What I am responsible for is keeping it together. I am responsible for not losing my sanity. I am responsible for keeping everything in perspective. I am responsible for keeping them accountable (without screaming like a mad woman). I am responsible for falling on my knees before my Father asking for help and guidance. I am responsible for being an example to them of how one responds to pressure and disappointment. I am responsible for showing them that consequences are real and consistent. I am responsible for teaching them how to become responsible. (What have I gotten myself into? Just joking.)
I found myself today in a place that I did not want to be. I found myself to be unreliable and, perhaps even slightly untrustworthy in the sense of being incredibly grouchy and impatient. It hurts my heart to think that my kids, as guilty as they are for being disobedient, are being treated with disrespect from me when I demand respect from them. I often forget that they are HUMAN beings with souls that are just as valuable as mine is! They are only shared with me. They are God's children, not mine. He trusts me to take care of them and not hurt them. He trusts me to love them the very best that I can. And I do not want to let Him down, nor do I want to let them down!
As bad as I am making myself out to be, I want to make it clear that I don't beat my children, nor do I neglect them. I actually love them pretty darn good, too. It's just that I know that I can do better. I can stand to fuss less. I can try harder to be more patient. Once these years are gone, they are gone for good. I cannot get them back. I can apologize later for things that I should or should not have done now. Or, I can do all that I can to be better now so that I have no regrets later. I think I'd best get to work now. There are some heart to heart talks that need to be had and some "babies" that need some huggin' and kissin' and lovin'! (Okay, maybe Mommy needs a
"Continue to love each other with true Christian love." Hebrews 13:1
"So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong." Hebrews 12:12-13