A High Calling

January 4, 2011

I love my kids. I love my job. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be nothing more than somebody's wife and somebody's Mommy. (I know- I'm ambitious.) But, I believe from the depths of my soul that God's purpose for my main vocation in life is to be nothing more and nothing less. I revere it as a High Calling.

Just because I have the blessing and extreme privilege to be living my dream, it does not mean that I always do my job well, nor does it mean that I never want need time away. Actually, I often need a "time out". I need time to step back and reevaluate things. I need to put things back into perspective with fresh eyes and a fresh heart. One of the major "traps" of being a full-time stay-at-home-schooling-mom is the whole "snowball" effect thingy! It is inevitable... one day bleeds into the next, bringing with it all the frustrations from the previous day. Before you know it, you've got a big, giant ball of "mess" that you are dragging around from day to day. It's not fair~ to my kids, or to my husband, or to ME! It totally sets up a scenario for disaster. It prolongs feelings of annoyance, chagrin, disgruntlement, dissatisfaction, failure, resentment, and unfulfillment. It quite simply, puts me in a state of impatience and anxiousness. Raising kids is hard enough without the burden of previous "sin". But, how do you prevent it from happening?

I hate that my kids anticipate certain situations with dread. I hate knowing that they would prefer to be with Daddy at times than with me. I hate that my voice becomes like that of Charlie Brown's teacher~ "Whamp whamp whamp Whamp whamp". They simply tune me out a lot of the time. They produce an attitude of "Oh, Mom's just blowing off steam again." And that starts the whole, vicious cycle all over again!

Am I the only one responsible for this? NOPE. I refuse to take all of the blame. I know that I am not perfect. I am admittedly often less than patient and gentle. Many times I do take out my exhaustion on those innocent little souls. But, those same precious, culpable, beautiful, cunning,  loving, disregarding, awesome little souls play a part too! They know what is expected of them on any given day. Our lives are such a routine. We are predictable if nothing else, people! Yet, those little ones force me to give them instruction yell more than once to try to get them to do the same things they were supposed to do the day before and the day before that. If that's not exhausting and frustrating then I don't know what is. (Okay, maybe there are things besides yelling that would be more effective. I acknowledge that. This is my journey on becoming a better person. I've already admitted not to be perfect.)

What I am responsible for is keeping it together. I am responsible for not losing my sanity. I am responsible for keeping everything in perspective. I am responsible for keeping them accountable (without screaming like a mad woman). I am responsible for falling on my knees before my Father asking for help and guidance. I am responsible for being an example to them of how one responds to pressure and disappointment. I am responsible for showing them that consequences are real and consistent. I am responsible for teaching them how to become responsible. (What have I gotten myself into? Just joking.)

I found myself today in a place that I did not want to be. I found myself to be unreliable and, perhaps even slightly untrustworthy in the sense of being incredibly grouchy and impatient. It hurts my heart to think that my kids, as guilty as they are for being disobedient, are being treated with disrespect from me when I demand respect from them. I often forget that they are HUMAN beings with souls that are just as valuable as mine is! They are only shared with me. They are God's children, not mine. He trusts me to take care of them and not hurt them. He trusts me to love them the very best that I can. And I do not want to let Him down, nor do I want to let them down!

As bad as I am making myself out to be, I want to make it clear that I don't beat my children, nor do I neglect them. I actually love them pretty darn good, too. It's just that I know that I can do better. I can stand to fuss less. I can try harder to be more patient. Once these years are gone, they are gone for good. I cannot get them back. I can apologize later for things that I should or should not have done now. Or, I can do all that I can to be better now so that I have no regrets later. I think I'd best get to work now. There are some heart to heart talks that need to be had and some "babies" that need some huggin' and kissin' and lovin'! (Okay, maybe Mommy needs a li'l bit lot of that mushy stuff, too!)

"Continue to love each other with true Christian love." Hebrews 13:1

"So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you, though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong." Hebrews 12:12-13

1 comment:

Tammy said...

My dear friend. You are such an awesome Mommy. I tip my hat to you! :) Keep up the good work...no matter how frustrated you get...you still pull it off! That last scripture spoke straight to my heart...thank you! Love ya!!