7.02.2010

Confession

July 2, 2010

Okay, so here goes. Do you wanna know a down side to homeschooling for me? I have become lazy. Let me explain. For most of my life I have whizzed through my housework faithfully. There were plenty of times where my 9 month pregnant belly would drag the floor as I would scrub it on my hands and knees. My yard work was always done to the best of my physical capabilities. I dusted my house, cleaned my ceiling fans, and washed walls regularly. My mirrors and glass were always clean and I never went to bed with a dirty kitchen. I baked cookies with the kids from scratch and decorated them real fancy. I was always doing some sort of craft project. Full of energy, desire, and courage.

Fast forward to present day.... I am burned out by the monotony of my days. I get up in the morning and drink my coffee. On a good day, Freddie is here and we can visit. Then he goes off to work and I sit at the computer to check email, facebook, a homeschool message board, and a few blogs that I follow. Then I clean the kitchen after breakfast, and sometimes last night's dinner (please don't judge me, LOL). I sweep, get laundry going, do school with the kids, see about lunch, clean the kitchen again, get the kids to do their chores (I dread this part because it's always a fight & I have to hear them whine and complain), I usually eat lunch at my computer, try to get Aubree to take a nap, see about supper, clean the kitchen. Do that for a few years. It's not challenging and nothing new really ever happens, with the exception of the occasional doctor visit, trip to Wal-Mart and if I'm lucky, Goodwill and Ross. I feel tied to a ball and chain that is never ending housework and schoolwork. I wish I could talk myself into doing extra things with the kids, but, I really don't feel like cleaning any extra mess. I get tired just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, my work is done. We don't live in filth. But, I do have drawers and closets that could use some attention. I have heard my kids utter the dreaded, "I'm bored", and I've offered up very little. (insert embarrassed face here)

I'd love to go for a walk with the kids, but, Aubree won't stay in her stroller and then I have to end up carrying her.... yada yada yada. I need to clean my van, but it's too hot... yada yada yada. I'd love to bring the kids to the park for a picnic lunch and then let them feed the ducks and play on the swings, but they won't want to leave and it'll be a fight and someone will end up in tears... yada yada yada. I really want to bring the kids to Magnolia Ridge to take pictures of them like I've done for years now, but I don't have the energy to fight with them to get them to all look at the camera and smile at the same time... yada yada yada. It's just one excuse after another. I am embarrassed at what I've let myself become. And what makes it worse is that I see Freddie get up every single day and go to work whether he feels like it or not, whether it's too hot or not, whether his employees cooperate or not, whether he has the energy or not! He just doesn't have the option to just let himself get lazy. If he does, then we don't eat.

So, I am publicly making a pledge to do better. At least once a month I will bring the kids somewhere besides the library, shopping, or to the doctor. In addition, at least once a month I will clean something extra- a closet, a cabinet, baseboards or walls, my van, etc.

This is very scary for me. Hopefully, it will grow into something that eventually becomes effortless once again. I look forward to going to bed at night with a sense of accomplishment. Right now, I go to bed and I know that everything I've done today has to get done all over again tomorrow. And, when my kids are grown, I want them to be able to look back on their lives as more than just housework every day! I want them to have those experiences in life that reflect the stillness of actually living in the moment, being with family, fully enjoying time. I want their childhood to be a beautiful gift filled with learning, loving, and living from me to them.

1 comment:

TAMS said...

W0w!! I think you just knocked a wall down...the wall of pride. Let the healing begin!! I love you friend!