My Cup Runneth Over

July 6, 2010

"Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward" (Psalm 127:3).

Freddie and I were married in August of 1992. He was 20 years old and I was 19. We both wanted to have children right away. We began our attempts at conception right away. The next 6 years were heartbreaking for me. At first, we just casually tried to get pregnant without too much worry. Then, after about a year, it started to get more serious. We realized that there was a problem and getting pregnant was not going to happen for us like it does for most. I cannot tell you how many times I heard the dreaded "When are you going to have a baby?" It was an innocent enough question, but, it stung me to my very core. During this time, I remember being so devastated to hear about unmarried women (and girls) who were pregnant who were going to have to raise their baby alone, some who were addicted to drugs and alcohol, some who didn't ever want to have a baby. My heart ached because I wanted a baby more than anything else and I was married and we could afford a baby.... I simply could not understand why God was choosing to keep this blessing from me and Freddie. Several family members became pregnant and had babies during my years of yearning, and even though I was really happy for them, I was more sad for myself. What had I done in my life to deserve such punishment? I made so many deals with God..." if you give me a baby then I will....". I tried it all. If I heard of a food that was supposed to make you fertile, I ate it. If Freddie had to wear certain underwear, then he wore them. If I had to stand on my head in a corner for 20 hours a day, I did it! I was constantly worried that I would never have children. My marriage even suffered because of my intense pain and constant grief.

In an effort to figure out why I was not conceiving, I underwent so many tests, many were painful and most robbed me of any humility I ever had. We spent so much time and money. I cannot tell you how many tears I cried. Ultimately, I went through infertility treatments that involved shots and ultrasounds. I was just about to give up on ever getting pregnant when I finally got that longed for positive pregnancy test, but that pregnancy ended on Christmas Eve in 1996. Strangely, I did have a peace though. It was as if God was saying to me "Don't give up. It will happen, just not now." After several more rounds of shots and ultrasounds, my doctor finally convinced me to add artificial insemination to the process. So, we did. When Karli Blayne Calverette was conceived I was in a room with Freddie, a doctor, and a nurse, and my pride was hanging behind a door in the pocket of my jeans. Needless to say, she arrived on April 7, 1999, beautiful and perfect. I was finally a Mommy.

I can look back on those years now with a clarity that was incomprehensible then. I was very confused during those most difficult years. I could not see any reason that God would have to not give me a child. Now, I do understand. His timing is perfect. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows the future, my future. I had my baby at a time in my life when I could stay home with her full time. Had she come sooner, I may not have had that luxury. Freddie and I were both very young when we got married. We were able to spend time together trying to figure out how to be a couple before we had kids and had to figure out how to be a family. That, my friend, is a hidden blessing that many do not get. We were able to do alot of traveling and have been all over the Caribbean and the United States. I was able to have a professional career. Now, if something would happen and I would have to go back to work, I know that I always have that to fall back on. Not only that, but it gave me great pride, because I was very good at my job.

I have always said that I wanted 5 kids for as long as I can remember. After we had Karli, I just knew that another baby was just something that was going to happen. We didn't need to talk about it or make any decisions. I thought that having them 2 years apart would be ideal. I wasn't sure if I would be able to get pregnant on my own or if I would have to undergo those pricey shots and ultrasounds again. We talked about trying to set aside the money to pay for them. Then, when Karli was 15 months old I got pregnant on my own and was VERY surprised! Five days before Karli turned 2, we welcomed Drake William Elie Calverette into our growing family. Again, I knew more children were on the way, and 2 years apart still seemed ideal. I didn't want another April baby and thought that having a baby at the beginning of the summer would work well. On June 10, 2 years and 2 months after Drake, we welcomed Brant James Lee Calverette to the brood. After 2 boys and 4 years of terrible two's I knew that I could not physically handle another baby and even thought about not having any more children. But, God had one more baby picked out for me, and on December 20, 4-1/2 years after Brant, we brought Aubree AnnaLynn Calverette home.

All the pain I felt for those miserable years has disappeared. I actually hardly ever even think about it. What I have been given has more than made up for any suffering I have ever had to go through. My marriage & my heart have been more than healed. My husband & I are closer than ever. My children are a joy. I love them more than I ever thought one human could love another human. I see every thing that is good in each one of them every time I look at them. They are unique and beautiful. I have never done anything to deserve even one of them. My cup runneth over.

Lord, how wonderful it is to be a parent! Thank You for the privilege of loving children and teaching them Your truths. Even when the days are long and hard, help me to always treasure this most precious blessing. In Jesus' name, Amen.

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